Falling into a black hole
As I crumble and feel like I’m slowly losing myself into a dark, black hole, slipping away into the unknown. I beg you not to push me into thinking about my life plans. I have no idea who I am or what I like anymore so this is not the right time to be mapping out my whole future.
The pressure is overwhelming but yet I get sucked in as it makes me feel needed, wanted, and validated. It makes me feel something, something away from this numbing feeling that I have succumbed to. It gives me a false sense of hope and a fake light so I follow it freely, hoping to fool myself and everyone around me.
Pretending to myself
Talking about this new adventure with friends and family, getting caught up in everyone’s enthusiasm helps me escape these dark thoughts. How can I not go along with it? Anything is better than feeling and dealing with this grief. This fake new beginning and a way out of this mess certainly relieves me for a while. That is, until I am on my own again.
Back with these thoughts, questions, doubts, self-blame and self-hate.
Got to escape
I got to get out of here. I can’t even pack my suitcase as I’m so confused and overwhelmed.
But yet I’m going to start a new life into the unknown. New York, the city that never sleeps.
I know it’s not the right thing for me now but how can I turn back? This isn’t my dream any more, not sure it ever was. But the thought of staying where I am is too much to bear. Got to get out, do something different, break a habit, fresh start and all that.
Opportunity of a life time
These were my thoughts just before I set off for New York, the opportunity of a life time. I was offered a job there while on holiday the previous year which I was excited about. But while waiting for my work visa to come through, (it took months back then) I was hit with a sudden shock of grief and I wasn’t the same person who had previously agreed to this new career.
Unsure what to do and feeling a huge amount of pressure from myself and others around me, I decided to take the chance. Looking back now, I don’t think that was the best decision.
Feeling is healing
Grief can’t be hurried along, pushed down, hidden or supressed. It needs time to be acknowledged, accepted, processed, learned and most importantly, it needs time to heal. I didn’t do any of those things, I just wanted to escape it.
I don’t blame myself anymore though, we all do what we think is right at the time with the knowledge we have. And who can blame me for wanting to run away from all of that pain!
It’s only after learning and training that I know the benefits of really processing our emotions. Learning to be compassionate with myself has been super powerful and life changing. I’m so grateful that I am aware of this now.
Have you ever tried to escape your feelings? Are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to heal? Are you being impatient with yourself?
Feel free to message me to learn powerful techniques to process your emotions.