Updated: Jan 28
Shall I go or not? What shall I do?
How many times have I asked myself these questions???
The decision to stay somewhere or leave is such a common question for me. It’s almost a natural thing.
“You’re so lucky!” - I heard this a lot while growing up and a lot while traveling. I couldn’t see it at the time, I guess I knew I was lucky but I also knew I was working extremely hard and taking super scary chances and not knowing how it would ever turn out. The constant decisions, stress and anxiety this caused me was unbelievable. But, of course, people didn’t see that, they just saw me jetting off to exotic places. It turns out - they were actually super challenging places.
Shall I go or not?
What shall I do?
I asked myself these questions many many times but I can remember one day that stood out from all of the rest. That particular day - I was so indecisive. I mean, how hard is it to make a decision when you have two choices and you don’t want to do either?!
I had been offered a job in Switzerland, my dream place at the time. However, the job wasn’t a dream, it was for a chambermaid position. I was so confused anyway, still grieving over my dad’s death and no idea what the right decision was. Something was telling me I needed to leave the UK and the situation I felt I was in but, at the same time, I didn’t want to take this job. These two options seemed to be the only ones I had.
Back and forth
So, I said yes to the job and arranged a lift from a family friend to the airport. I didn’t feel good at all but I packed and got myself ready. When he came to pick me up, I was so indecisive, I was so unsure and I was so confused. In the end I decided to go.
I was feeling really uncomfortable with my decision but I just went along with it. By the time I got to the airport, I was literally torn. I checked in and then, out of nowhere, I collapsed. As I lay there, paramedics surrounded me and for a brief second, I felt reassured that someone would help me, save me almost from this nightmare of conflict in my head.
Hoping for a miracle
While I was surrounded, I phoned the family friend that had already left and told him I wasn’t going to Switzerland after all. He was a bit annoyed and said he would come back to get me. My bags were retrieved for me and I waited...
After a few minutes, they came to the conclusion that I just needed some sugar. I was almost disappointed with this outcome, I wanted someone to tell me that I shouldn’t go and that it would all be okay anyway.
Here we go again
I had some sugar and my mind started changing again…
“Maybe I should actually go… What did I have here?” I didn’t have a job etc.
I spoke to someone from the airline and they said I was fine and healthy to fly. That was it, my mind was changed and I decided to go again. My bags were checked in (again) and I just had to phone my friend to tell him not to come and get me. He was furious at this time, quite rightly so, and I felt guilty and still so unsure what I should be doing. But I got on the plane.
I think, looking back, that was one of the most indecisive moments I’ve ever had.
I arrived in Switzerland and needless to say, it was a bit of a disaster.
I’m not sure how I even made it to the hotel. The constant questioning and asking myself if I was doing the right thing was unbearable. Every step I took, I questioned myself whether I should turn back or not. It was exhausting…
Finally, I made it to the hotel to be greeted by a lovely Swiss hotel owner who introduced me to the night porter who was English and offered to show me around.
We became good friends and he helped me so much. It wasn’t long before he realised I was suffering from depression and low-confidence and I shared everything with him.
No running away
Each day was a struggle, everything was a fight. I just wanted to go home, but at the same time I didn’t feel safe there either. This indecisiveness went on and on and I was slowly getting worse. In the end, I decided I had to go home. My new friend supported me the whole way, he spoke to the owner for me, and got a train to the airport with me.
The awful thing was that I didn’t feel relieved. Nothing gave me relief. I kind of wanted to be in Switzerland just not like this. Not in this situation.
In retrospect, I’ve realised that you can’t push yourself into a situation if you’re not ready for it. Especially when your body and your mind have other things to deal with, such as grief or stress or other life pressures.
Making life decisions can be tough at the best of times, but when you’re not in a healthy mindset, they can become almost impossible. Looking after your mental and physical health is key in being able to make the right decisions for you. There are useful skills and techniques I learnt and now teach, which can really help with decision making and enable you to feel prepared and ready to make up your mind with confidence!
An important point for me to remember is that pressure doesn’t always lead to productivity. At the time, I needed to be patient with myself and wait for my intuition to kick in. I know now that I made that particular decision based on fear. Since then, I’ve learned to make my decisions based on love rather than fear- most of the time anyway J
What was the last big decision you made? Was it based on love or fear?
Contact me to learn new techniques to help you make the right decision for you.