Updated: Jun 5
Did you know that he died? She said it like she was offering me a cup of tea. The moment I heard those words, my whole body went into shock, immediately I felt the rush of every dark emotion possible hit my body like a ton of bricks. What? I asked…. Yes, check in the newspaper she said, he’s died. It was said so casually that what was going on outside my body compared to inside couldn’t be more opposite. I didn’t know what to do. This was possibly the worst news of my entire life….. I was 18 years old.
My dad, well second dad had gone, just like that.
More bad news
I knew from that moment my life would never be the same again. I returned home and told my mum the dreadful news. My mum went out and bought the local newspaper straight away. It’s true she said and he’s not coming back, he probably committed suicide, as he was so unhappy she added. That was pretty much the last conversation I remember having about my dad.
Deeper and deeper
After that, each day I just sank deeper and deeper into a depression. Why was everyone acting normal? Why was nobody talking about him? Why was I feeling so disconnected? Why, why why? The why questions didn’t stop coming and I didn’t have any answers. Why didn’t I help him? I started to blame myself and this just made me feel worse and worse.
Gradually I felt like I was losing my words, nothing seemed important anymore and I didn’t want to speak. I felt numb, alone and gradually began losing motivation, my confidence and finally myself. Being around friends and family didn’t feel right, nothing did.
I felt more and more detached as everyone behaved as if everything was okay, I was feeling destroyed, desperate to be understood and have my feelings validated. People would ask me what was wrong and in my mind; I always thought about my dad but could never say his name out loud. He wasn’t my real dad and this combined with friends and family not realising why I was depressed made me think that I didn’t deserve to have these feelings so I didn’t accept them and just pushed them down.
It was all too much
How could I possible carry on? My mind and body were flooded with every painful emotion I could imagine, feelings I’d never felt before. Each day I felt more alone and I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into what seemed like a black hole. Further and further until one day I reached the point where I couldn’t face the day anymore. Getting out of bed in the morning became an impossible task, getting up and getting dressed. Everything that had been so simple became unbearable and just too much, nothing seemed worth the enormous effort.
I was blaming myself for his death, I hated my feelings and began hating myself, I was on the path to self-destruction and I felt powerless to do anything about it.
This was the start of my battle with depression………
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